Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: The French woman just sniffed

 

The train was crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, I'm very tired... may I sit down?"

 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also incredibly arrogant!"

 

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Do something to put this American in his place!"

 

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road - and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

[ronthepon]

A man not very well versed in english was boarding a train with his son.

 

Upon reaching his reserved berth, he found a big and muscular woman sitting on his son's reserved seat.

 

"Please give berth to my son" He said.

[Boerseun]

Neighbour to little girl: "Hi, Suzie - why are you digging a hole in your mother's flowerbed?"

Little girl: "*Sob* - My goldfish died!"

Neighbour: "Haha, you silly girl, that hole is waaay to big for a goldfish!"

Little girl: "It's because he's inside your f*ckin' cat, *******!"

[Michaelangelica]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle,

3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

 

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

 

The big dude says,

"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

 

The small guy says, "Turner Brown...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

 

Turn Around!"

[Turtle]

A guy comes into a bar with a duck & sets it on the stool next to him. "Hey", said the bartender, "you can't come in here with that pig!" The guy says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!" Bartender says, " I was talking to the duck.":hyper:

[Turtle]

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

 

A: A stick. :hyper:

[Michaelangelica]

A ageist joke

Soon to be outlawed

 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells

them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things

down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"she asks.

>> "No, I can remember it."

>> "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because

>> you know you'll forget it."

>> He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with

>> strawberries."

>> "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd

>> better write it down!" she retorts.

>> Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember

>> it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,

>> for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

>> After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his

>> wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

>> She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

[sanctus]

Usually noone finds this joke ever funny, but I love it and I gues those who like maths like it as well:

 

An exponential and a constant were walking along a street whe suddenly they see a derivation. The exponential says "shall we go greeting her?"

constant: "no, I don't want to get annihilated"

exponential:"I'll go on my own then...."

 

The exponential walks over to the derivation and says all happily "hi, I'm the exponential of x".

The derivation answers even more happily "and I'm aderivation of y"

[paigetheoracle]

Medical/philosophical question:

 

If you have sex with your clone, are you gay, or masturbating?

 

I don't know, now leave me a clone and get out of here!

[paigetheoracle]

I've got a bad back at the moment, so it was good to laugh at so many sharp ideas!

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

'Coz the coward didn't have the guts to walk passed me!

 

What do you get if you cross a railway line with a tortoise?

Hit by a train

 

"What do you make of this gigantic footprint Watson?"

"Search me Holmes!"

"I'll give you a clue. Notice the tartan pattern on the sole"

" - you don't mean"

"Yes Watson,old chum - this was made by a member of the ancient Caledonian race!"

"Great Scot, a great Scot!"

 

Sir Bob Geldorf was asked why hunting should be banned

"The answer is obvious, for fox sake!"

 

"Where are you going on holiday Dave?"

"Narnia, what do you mean Narnia?"

"Narnia your bloody business is it?"

 

Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portrait of the queen?

He said "I don't know really?" then he hummed and he hahed, and he hummed and he hahed.

 

A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?

"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!"

"Excellent - here's your first customer!"

"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"

 

Do retired Gynaecologists like to keep their hand in?

 

Become a professional body piercer today - join the army and get some bayonet practice in

 

Scottish murder website @GlasgowKnifemare /- (That's forward slash, backward slash, sidewards slash)

 

'Hey Cilla, how did you think of our truck fest?'

'It was a lorra, lorra, lorries; Laurie'

 

I'm so confused by political correctness, that I can't tell Wright from Wong.

 

I thought that the Gaza Strip was what Wayne Rooney wore at football matches, until I tried Smirnoff (showing my age now)

 

The trouble with wedding cake is that it always ends up in tiers

 

What does a well off cannibal feed his dog? His pedigree chum.

 

Just before he died, Peter Sellers was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, immediately rushed to his graveside, Digging open the casket, he opened up the lid, when a voice piped up inside

"Is that you Spike?"

"Well, sort of" Thud!

 

'Hey little girl, do you want to see my Willy?'

'Oh yes please!'

'Willy!'

'Yes Dad?'

'There's a little girl to see you!'

 

Ashburgers Syndrome - idiot who should never be left alone with a barbie

 

Has a woman giving a Frenchman a blow job, got a frog in her throat?

 

Don't play cards with a pair of big cats - one will always be lion and the other's bound to be a cheetah

 

The reason GW's speechmaking has improved of late is that his dad sent to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution lessons

 

If you're a turkey at Christmas, you're plucked!

 

:( Sad Chris Moss - :eek_big: Happy Chris Moss!

 

 

'Is it snowing outside?'

'No mine Feuhrer - it's hail Hitler!"

 

Slogans: -

 

I'm keeping up a brave front, considering what's going on behind my back!

 

Only a fool who's fooling himself, can fool another fool!

 

I have nothing to say but that I have nothing to say (and I can see no point in telling you that there is no point in telling you this)

[Michaelangelica]

A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?

"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!"

"Excellent - here's your first customer!"

"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"

:)

 

The new Dr Who is cool!

[ronthepon]

:)

[paigetheoracle]

Never mind the quality - read the filth!

 

What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house - shoots your mother, shoots your father and then shoots you?

'Ma! Pa! Ouch!'

 

What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house and shoots your mother, your father then ET?

'Ma! Pa! Ouch!'

 

'Why are you shooting at my feet Marshall?'

'I like to see scum dancing'

 

I love Groundhog Day - I could watch it again and again, and again...

 

What do most people not like seeing on their toast?

Middle age spread

 

Frankenstein is a man after my own heart!

 

Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another

 

So Mr Michelinman you're leaving after all this time? Well I hope you have a Goodyear when you retyre

 

Message from the reindeers 'Don't feed the driver because Santa Claws'

 

A father and son are arguing

'I fought two world wars for you, you ungrateful sod!'

'Yeh, and you lost them both'

 

Women have a soft spot for men - it's between their legs.

Men have a soft spot for women - it's between their ears.

 

The Dave Series

 

'When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels Dave, I meant of the beer he'd ordered'

 

'When I said deck the halls Dave, I meant decorate the place, not beat the **** out of Phil and Jane'

 

'What have I told you about smoking fish Dave? Not while at work, now stub it out and do what I pay you for.'

 

Films that never got made

 

'I Spit on your Gravy!' - A sordid tale of a chefs revenge

 

'Dead on a Rival' - Husband having heartattack when he catches his wife with her lover

 

'Dracula, prints of Darkness' - More holiday snaps ruined by incompetent developers

 

'A Womb with a View' - A Gynaecologist on a busmans holiday

 

'What's Doug got to do with it?' - Fight between Ike and Tina Turner

 

'Planet of the Grapes' - Follow up to 'Attack of the Tomato Men'

 

'And then there were some' - The cowardly remake of an Agatha Christie film by a squeamish director

 

'Whoops Apocalypso!'/'Apocalypso now' - Jamaican remakes of more famous films

 

Names

 

Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me

 

Just because my name is Stew, doesn't mean I'm going to let you bite my dumplings

 

Just because my name's Eve, doesn't mean I was born yesterday

 

Just because my name's David, doesn't mean I've got Goliath in my trousers

 

A hand is better than a woman

because it never gets a headache

never threatens to go back to its mother

never gets a period

never gets pregnant

never gives you the clap

never sues you for alimony

never berates your performance

never expects flowers or chocolates

never cares that you go out drinking with your mates

never locks you out after an argument

never wants to move to Sacremento

etc

 

A hand is better than a man

because it doesn't go to sleep afterwards

and will make you a cup of tea

doesn't slobber all over you when drunk

doesn't sleep with another woman then lie about it

doesn't give you the clap

doesn't go in the other room when you start crying about the death of Bambi

doesn't ignore all your friends, except the ones he wants to sleep with

doesn't wake you in the middle of the night for it, when you've got to go to work in the morning

doesn't smell like an open sewer

etc.

 

Ditties

 

Men stink, drink and think

Women scheme, scream and dream

 

Robin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood,Robin Hood

Riding through the glen Riding through the glen

Robin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood, Robin Hood

pursued by his men With his band of men

- he stole all their money Feared by the good

and they didn't find it funny! Loved by the bad!

Robbing Hood, Robbing Hood Robin's Mad, Robin's mad

Robbing Hood... Robin's mad......

 

Roses are red Roses are red

Violets are blue Violets are blue

Mine are Green Mine are pink

Because they fell in the stew Are yours too?

 

Roses are red

Violence is blue

If you don't shut up

I'm going to strangle you!

 

That's Al Fawks! (Brother of a well known political figure, who wouldn't stand for Parliament)

[Boerseun]

An old man of 93 was told by his doctor that sex with his 19-year old fiancee could be fatal.

 

"Bugger that," he said. "If she dies, she dies."

[Michaelangelica]

the results of the Bulwer-Lytton worst-first-sentence-ever contest are in!

Check out this site

http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

 

a sample

Winner: Vile Puns

As Johann looked out across the verdant Iowa River valley, and beyond to the low hills capped by the massive refrigerator manufacturing plant, he reminisced on the history of the great enterprise from its early days, when he and three other young men, all of differing backgrounds, had only their dream of bringing refrigeration to America's heartland to sustain them, to the present day, where they had become the Midwest's foremost group of refrigerator magnates.

 

Dick Davis

Circle Pines, MN

 

Runner-Up:

Herr Professor Doktor Weiss' reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi."

 

John L. Drost

Barboursville, WV.

[TheFaithfulStone]

Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another

 

Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over.

 

With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay.

 

TFS

[paigetheoracle]

Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over.

 

With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay.

 

TFS

 

Okay have it your own way - life at Bugger King! (Uh, huh oh yeh, I'm all shook up!):thumbs_up