Quality Jokes and Humor

[Janus]

A truck driver, thinking he had enough height clearance, gets his truck stuck under a bridge. He tries everything to get free; he tries rocking the truck back and forth, he lowers the pressure in his tire, he asks for help from the people in the cars stacking up behind him. No go, he's stuck fast.

After a bit, a state trooper pulls up to the end of the line stacked up behind the truck. He leans out, looks at the pile up stretching ahead of him, and finally pulls onto the shoulder drives up to where the truck is stuck. He get out of his car and saunters up to the truck. He slowly walks around the truck, making a careful inspection. He then walks up to the driver, and after a final look at the truck and the line of cars still piling up behind it, asks the driver, "Well, you're stuck then?

 

To which the driver responds, " Not at all. I was just delivering this bridge and I lost the damn directions!"

 

 

The day of his execution having arrived, a guard shows up to take a prisoner to his hanging. The prisoner points out his cell window, where outside, it is raining buckets and the wind is howling, and says, "You know, if you're going to hang me, the least you could have done was have picked better weather to do it in!"

To which the guard responds, "What are you complaining about? I have to walk back!"

 

 

A young gentleman, trying to impress his date, takes her to a fancy dining establishment. After a fantastic dinner of fine food and pleasant conversation, he orders some after dinner brandy. At which point, his date puts her hand on his arm and says,

" Oh, do think we could order sherry instead? I just adore sherry. It makes me think of lazy summer afternoons, with a warm sun shining down and a light breeze wafting in the scent of wild flowers blooming in the fields as they sway, and the sound of meadow larks singing lightly in the background. It just leaves me feeling so warm and fuzzy inside.

 

"Brandy, on the other hand, makes me fart."

[hallenrm]

Someone was asked," how old are you?"

 

"Three years older than my brother'

 

"How do you know that?"

 

'Last year I heard my brother telling someone that I was two years older than him. By deductive logic it follows that I am three years older than him now.

Do you know? I shall soon be old enough to be his father'

[infamous]

Has it ever occured to you that when one puts the two words THE and IRS together, it spells THEIRS .......................go figure.....................Infy

[hallenrm]

A logician and a scientist met a spiritualist and wrangled with him as they walked along the road. The scientist said: ' I cannot accept anything as existing unless I carry out a test, or uless I see it myself'. the logician said : ' I do not attempt anything, unless I have worked out its theory beforehand'.

 

As they approached the bank of aake, suddenly the spiritualist knelt down and started pouring something into the lake.

 

'What are you doing?' asked his companions.

 

'you know how yogurt multiplies when you put it in milk, well I am just adding a little yogurt to this water'

 

'But you can't make yogurt that way'

 

' I know, i know... but just supposing it takes!'

[Michaelangelica]

I got this nasty letter from Kmart the other day

Kmart store 4855 Store Phone: (775) 746-4700

SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503 Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030

12 March 2005

Jon Walker

Store Manager

Kmart store 4855

Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503

Mrs. Fenton

35 Rasmussen Street

Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

D

uring the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The

list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies

on tape.

We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored

them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We

are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.

The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what

happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.

September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!

NO! It's those voices again!"

December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet

paper in here!

John F. Walker

Store Manager

[Jay-qu]

During the Olympic games a local man approaches a tourist and asks "are you a pole vaulter?" the tourist replies "No, Im german, but how did you know my last name was vaulter?"

[Edella]

I didn't read through all 15 pages,I hope this one wasn't posted:

 

 

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Mercedes Benzene]

Father: "Son, I think it's time we had a talk about sex.

Son: "Sure Dad. What would you like to know?"

[Boerseun]

Johnny nagged his mom and dad for a TV in his room, and eventually they gave in and got him one.

 

A few days later, he came running down the stairs and asked his dad "Dad, what is love juice?"

 

His dad almost fell off his chair, and decided the time for The Talk has arrived.

So, his dad explained sex to his son, and, stuttering and embarassed, explained what 'love juice' might be in this context.

After the whole explanation, which lasted the best part of an hour, his dad asked Johnny, who was completely wide-eyed and quite shocked by now, "So, what programs exactly are you watching, by the way?"

 

So Johnny says:

 

"Well, er..., Wimbledon, dad. But I will turn it off..."

[paigetheoracle]

Try the cancer diet - guaranteed weight loss!

 

What do cannibals call cars? Meals on wheels

 

We had a nintieth birthday surprise party for my uncle Tom last week - the biggest surprise was he died the year before

 

What did the werewolf bride say to her husband on their wedding night? Just a second honey - I'm changing!

 

What did Elvis say when he realized he'd been reincarnated as a Bottle of Coke?

"Aha, wow yeh - I'm all shook up!"

 

Jesus was passing a furniture warehouse, when he saw two men arguing about who had the right to put their chair in as there was only space for one.

"Rabbi, which of deserves to have our way?"

Looking at the situation for a while, Jesus thought then said

"Ah I know! Let he who is without sin, stow the first throne!"

 

St Michael was sending recruits down to Earth to get reincarnated as human beings

"Who are you?"

"I am to be a woman"

"Blessed are you my sister - go forth and multiply!"

"And who are you?"

"I'm a politician"

"Say shouldn't you be coming up from the other place, rather than dropping down from here? No? Oh well, your mission is to go to Earth and sow the seeds of discontent - go forth and divide the populace amongst itself and subtract its numbers. You are there to keep its numbers down"

"Who are you?"

"I'm to be an accountant"

"Your mission is to go to Earth thinking logic and reasoning will sort out its problems but sadly you'll soon find out that nothing adds up down there"

 

Why did everybody in the directors box of the best football club in the Scottish Highlands collapse, when the sickly astrologer brought in a friend?

Because of SuperCaley's, fragile mystic's, ex-pals halitosis

 

The dead grandmother of a Vietnamese boat person,was shipped over to the US but not before her body was preserved through mummification, which included the removal of her internal organs to slow down the process of decay. Her grandson, who worked in a lazer lab, decided to take 3-D images of the corpse to show other relatives, who also lived in the States. Unfortunately on his way home, he was pulled over by a female member of the Highway Patrol, who asked him why he was crying and what he was holding in his hand?

"It's a hologram of my hollow nan from Vietnam but it's a sham as she's come out looking like boiled ham, mam"

[Michaelangelica]

The Hypography Science Forums are suffering from an act of God.

We do not yet know which God, but we'll find out and take due action.

 

In case of severe community addiction, check out PostMagnet where a lot of Hypographers hang out.

 

The forums will be back as soon as possible - Don't Panic!

 

Tormod

Hypography Development Team

LOL

Thanks

[Boerseun]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

 

For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.

The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, threw him to the ground and stomped him to death.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Queso]

hahaha probably wasn't!

[Boerseun]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

 

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

 

"I define myself to be on the outside."

[Boerseun]

So George Bush was facing a news conference when one of his aides whispered in his ear:

"Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

So Bush said: "That's terrible!"

He leant over to the Secretary of Defence and asked:

"How many is a Brazilian again?"

[Chacmool]

Why is the mathematician a teetotaller?

 

Because mathematicians don't drink and derive.

[figment]

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale", so he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the Lab replies.

 

"So, what´s your story?"

 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn´t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I´m just retired."

 

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten bucks." The guy says

 

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

 

"Because he´s a liar. He didn´t do any of that stuff."