Letting Go

[OpenMind5]

Hello everyone...its great to be back. I bring forth to everyone a simple question.

 

"Why do we (humans) have such a hard time letting go of lost loved ones (death)?"

 

I would love to hear your thoughts...comments...and stories of the dearly departed (weather you could "let go" or....not)

 

 

 

With high regards

OP5

[Aki]

Because we have emotions

[Tormod]

I think Aki sums it up but I also think it is part of our culture. Some cultures, espcially in the middle east and asia, have "mourning" periods after which they start to celebrate that life goes on. They take time to come to terms with issues like death of loved ones. In western society I think we have a "okay, I know it hurts but get back in shape as soon as you can" mentality which is not good for us.

 

For a lot of people religion (or even lack of it) is a consolation as they use it to reflect upon the death and their new situation. But al ot of people are unable to cope. Some even spend the rest of their life longing for the lost one.

 

I have no answers, OP5. It is a difficult question.

 

Good to see you back, though!

[Tim_Lou]

i think that it is because we have the tendency to learn from memory and experience...

 

we learn from experience by remembering it, and realize it. it is an evolutionary advantage to remember so that one will not do the same mistake again...

 

well, since expereinces are remembered, expereiences from lost love ones will be momorized as well...

[Veritas]

We form emotional attatchments to people we are constantly around. If you have ever been to a funeral for someone who you did not know very well, you feel at most, some pity.

[OpenMind5]

I have noticed when it comes to the deceased and dearly departed, there are many different ways to deal with deaths. Also everyone handels it in there own way...some cry...some stare off remebering...some don't say or do anything and act strong.

So it seems that:

Time required to let go depends on the person

the way to let go depends on the person

Reasons to hold on or to let go of the lost love one depends on the person

 

 

BUT....

what happens when your so connected to teh person that u feel like u have lost the reason to live?

(Not speaking from experience, but curiosity.)

 

 

Death is one of teh many things that fasinates all of us i am sure...at least to some level. It is just like those unanswered mysteries that no one can explain. But yet it is always happening.

 

I hope that some of these posts make sense and that it sparks somthing in you guys.

 

Thanks for the posts,

OP5

[Tim_Lou]

"Death is one of the many things that fasinates all of us i am sure"

 

because we are too scared of it, we do not want to lose all the things we have...

and death is unknown, and you have to face it all by yourself...

[Aki]

I always wonder what happens after death. I picture the dead going off to another world, just like this one, and live with the other deads.

[lindagarrette]

Aki, Your belief is very Christian. Linda

[IrishEyes]

Hey OP5, good to see you back again.

 

I think you are right on some of your thoughts... the way you handle the death of a loved one depends very much on who you are as a person, and who the dead person was to you.

 

My mother died a few years ago, and the people closest to her responded in very different ways.

I miss her but I'm also glad that she is no longer suffering physically.

My brother was angry at her for a very long time. This anger also extended to God, though he professed not to believe in God.

My step-father tried to kill himself. He claimed my mother was his reason for living, and he had no more reason to live since she was dead.

 

I think my brother had a very juvenile reaction, and my step-father was rather pathetic. I'm sure some will think I'm a bit cold for that, but frankly, both reactions were - TO ME - very selfish and bordering on disgusting.

[OpenMind5]

Irish Eyes,

 

I am for one, sorry about your mother and agree with you that she is in a better place. I don't recall if i mentioned, that I recently lost someone close to me. My grandfather...

 

Now for those of you that don't know me...(all of you) I am only 15 years old. Me and my grandfather were the closest out of all his grandchildren. (My grandmother told me that the day of the funeral, and i knew that in my heart as well) When i was at the funeral, there were many different reactions and the ones that were close to teh same where still quite different.

 

I would notice people crying, some hystaricly and some rather...well...barly crying at all. But i felt very out of place at this funeral. I didn't cry nor did i feel bad. I almost felt nothing. I was almost happy to see that he final left. (he was 87 and in poor heath at the time) He was a great man and i DO miss him, don't get me wrong, but i was one of the youngest people there, and i wonder if i handeled it maturly or in the worst possible way?

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

OP5

[IrishEyes]

Today (October 24) would have been my mother's birthday.

 

No, I don't think you handled it in a bad way. Nor do I think that anyone else handled it bad, from what you described. I think that everyone handles it in different ways. As long as people are expressing their honest emotions, I guess it's ok.

 

Maybe I am having a different kind of emotion today than the last time I responded to this topic though. There are times that I feel very sad about my mother not being here. I recognize that this is a selfish thing - I would rather her be here seeing her grandchildren and helping me figure out how to be a decent mom. But she was in a lot of pain while she was alive, and now her pain is over. SHould I want her back, knowing it would be painful? Or should I graciously accept that she is gone? That's what it boils down to many times.

 

Of course, I also think we generally tend to idealize the dead. In all honesty, my mom wasn't the greatest mother in the world. She tried her best, I'm sure. But there were many times that I know she could have done better. Since she is gone though, I tend to remember mainly the 'happy' times, and put on my rose-colored glasses when thinking about the rest. Does this make sense, or is my roller-coaster day fogging my view?

[OpenMind5]

I understand complitly. The dead are offten thought of in reverence, its as though they have finished their race. I would think your new found sadness and longings for her to still be here maybe selfish, but it is also a common feeling. Its hard for someone not to long to see the dead one last time. To say your goodbye...i love yous...and the happy thoughts. I was in the hospital with my grandpa and i got to do that. It once again did not phase me as i thought it would. I did not cry for his death, he only time i showed any great emotion was when my grandfather and my grandmother where saying THEIR goodbyes. To see this old man and lady laugh at eachother and joke, when one is dieing...its sad. But my grandmother said one of the most random things...and i will never forget it. "sorry but i forgot the popcorn."

 

My grandmother also had to decide on where he was to die, and how. She was sacred to death. She had a few options adn she feared that god would see her as a murder for telling the doctor to "Do Not Resusate" him if he was to go flat line. I also remeber seeing her go to the casket and saying out loud, he was all i had to live for, what do i do now?

 

I think she knows that she has a family to live for, but at the same time she longs to be with the man she loves. But she is a strong lady.

 

OP5