Theologic Humor; The Gravest Of Matters

[Turtle]

Rather than launch into the deeper areas of this discourse, I will simply start with a joke.

 

*A minister found himself disastified with the take in the plate every week and so he decided to pay for a course in hypnosis. After weeks of training, and having mastered the skill, he gave his first sermon with his new gift. Midway of the speech he took out his watch & began to swing it on the fob as he spoke. Soon the congregation was under & he told them "today, each & every one of you will put a dollar bill in the colllection plate." Came the plates up, and counting the bills and the people, the minister was amazed to see each parishoner had indeed put in a dollar.

*The following week, he proceeded as before; taking the watch out mid-sermon and hypnotizing the crowd. This time however, he instructed the believers to put $5 dollar bills in the holy tithe plate. As before, he counted the bils, counted the dupes, and voila!! Every single one of them put in a fiver; no more, no less.

*Now the intervening week was a toil with Satan himself for the minister as he tried desperately to justify the $10 dollars he now planned to collect in the Lord's service. He managed to of course through intense prayer and so came the Sunday Sermon on the subject of Greed. Midway, out takes the minister his watch and hypnotyzes the sheep in record time by speeding up the rate of swing. Just as he had pronounced his magic phrase "today...each & everyone of you will put in the collection plate...", the fob broke & the watch shot off the daise & ricocheted from the organ. Without thinking, the right good reverend exclaimed loudly "crap!".

*The lambs dutifully filled the plates as instructed.:QuestionM

[Boerseun]

Good thread idea, shelly dude.

 

The Chief Rabbi goes to Rome for a courtesy visit. So he sits in the Pope's office and they do the chit-chat and smalltalk, and he notices a red telephone on the Pope's desk.

"That's my direct line to God," the Pope said, noticing the frown on the Rabbi's face.

"Oy," the Rabbi said, "can I make a call?"

"Sure," said the Pope "It's only ten dollars a minute. Rather cheap, I'd say."

So the Rabbi makes his call and discuss matters of the synagogue with God.

 

A few years later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on a courtesy visit. So he's in the synagogue in the Chief Rabbi's office, and notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.

"My line to God," the Rabbi said.

"Can I make a call?" the Pope asked.

"Sure - go ahead; it's only ten cents a minute."

"Ten cents!? How did you manage that?" the Pope asked, feeling done in.

So the Rabbi said:

"You have to remember; it's a local call!"

[coldcreation]

Good thread idea, shelly dude.

 

The Chief Rabbi goes to Rome for a courtesy visit. So he sits in the Pope's office and they do the chit-chat and smalltalk, and he notices a red telephone on the Pope's desk.

"That's my direct line to God," the Pope said, noticing the frown on the Rabbi's face.

"Oy," the Rabbi said, "can I make a call?"

"Sure," said the Pope "It's only ten dollars a minute. Rather cheap, I'd say."

So the Rabbi makes his call and discuss matters of the synagogue with God.

 

A few years later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on a courtesy visit. So he's in the synagogue in the Chief Rabbi's office, and notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.

"My line to God," the Rabbi said.

"Can I make a call?" the Pope asked.

"Sure - go ahead; it's only ten cents a minute."

"Ten cents!? How did you manage that?" the Pope asked, feeling done in.

So the Rabbi said:

"You have to remember; it's a local call!"

 

 

hi hi hiiii.

dime and time are now fused into the same dimension

[Mercedes Benzene]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

 

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

 

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[sanctus]

I moved it, it's very funny but no theology...

[Turtle]

The Holy Deacon

by Ambrose Bierce

 

An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard

for several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church:

 

"Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear

fruit abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have

one fourth."

 

The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket

waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.

 

"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the

Itinerant Preacher.

 

"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has

hardened their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."

[Pyrotex]

A reverent man of the Lord decided that being a minister of a small church just wasn't doing enough "good works". So, he raised a donation from his congregation, sold all he had, and went with his wife and six children to minister unto the poor heathen savages on the distant island of Pago Pago.

 

His sojourn on the island was brutal. A typhoon destroyed the local church he had built at such great effort. Then his belongings so carefully carried across the great ocean were destroyed by a small volcanic eruption. The last few Bibles were eaten by slugs. His family caught some gruesome disease and died one by one. He himself became covered in itching boils, an allergy to some common plant on the islands. His newly formed congregation spit on him and dispersed, leaving him alone, but not before he was tempted into carnal sin by one of the half-naked lovelies and became infested with crabs. To top this all off, when he finally dragged himself back to the island's port, seeking assistance from the consulate to return home, he was arrested for a crime he did not commit and promptly sent to a makeshift gallows.

 

There he stood, half naked himself, cut, broken and bleeding, totally demoralized and humiliated, and a noose around his neck. He looked up into the sky and shouted, "Why me Lord? Why me?"

 

To which a deep bass voice rumbled down from the mountains:

 

"Oh, I don't know. There's just something about you that pisses me off."

[Cedars]

Charles Addams cartoon 1935

[Pyrotex]

A tour bus full of Christian preachers and their wives, on an inpirational vacation in the Holy Land, runs over a land mine and blows to smithereens, killing all onboard.

 

The preachers and their wives find themselves on a loooooooong silver staircase, with mother-of-pearl handrails, leading up to a cloud deck. At the top of the stairs, they see a huge pearly gate. In front of it sits a polished gold desk with a book and two large buttons, one red, one green. Behind the desk sits Saint Peter. (He wears a name tag.)

 

The first preacher approaches the desk and says, "Saint Pete, it's good to see ya! My wife and I can't wait to enter Heaven! I want you to know that I've been a faithful preacher for 20 years!"

 

Saint Peter says, "I'm sure you have, but formalities must be met. I'll just look you up in the Book here and... Oh, my! It says here that you were secretly obsessed with booze! You even kept booze in your church study! You even married a woman named 'Brandy'! I'm afraid you must go to hell."

 

He pushed the big red button, Ka-CLICK!

A trapdoor opened beneath their feet, BANG! Clatter-clatter!

The pair screamed and dropped out of sight, AAAaaaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

 

The next pair approached the desk. The man said, "Well, I wasn't addicted to booze or anything else, Saint Peter. I was a preacher for 25 years and brought 300 lost souls to the Lord."

 

Saint Peter said, "I'm sure you did, but let's just check... Oh, my! It says here you were obsessed with money! All you ever thought about was money. You embezzled money from your churches. You even married a woman named 'Penny'!"

 

Ka-CLICK!

BANG! Clatter-clatter!

AAAaaaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

 

The third preacher turned to his wife and said, "C'mon Fanny, let's see if we can find us an elevator."

[Cedars]

one of my fav Pope pics

[ughaibu]

Online Jesus dress-up dolls:

Hollywood Jesus Dressup!

JesusDressUp.com/Final Justice

[Boerseun]

A priest had to take the day off, so he asked the gardener to fill in for him.

"Quite easy," he said. "All you do is sit in the confession box the whole day; people will come and go and all you do is give them a couple o' Hail Marys and you should be fine."

 

"Okay," the gardener said, glad to be able to get away from the garden for a change.

 

So he sits there, and just after lunch a nubile young woman comes into the confession box.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," she says. "I had oral sex with my boyfriend!"

At a loss, the priest asked her to wait a few moments. A few Hail Marys is obviously too light a punishment for a sin of this magnitute!

So he slips out of the box and hurries to the back of the church where the altarboys are busy lighting candles for mass.

"What's the priest usually give you for oral sex?" he asks the first altar boy.

 

"Why, normally a few cookies," the boy sez...

[TheFaithfulStone]

What's the difference between a Nihilist and Unitarian?

 

At least a nihilist believes in nothing.

 

TFS

[CraigD]

This one combine theological with medical humor

 

A man dies and finds himself before the pearly gates. St Peter greets him, then glancing at the time, says

“It’s a few minutes to lunch time – why don’t we have a bite to eat, then we’ll bring you back out and finish your processing. You seem a fine fellow – I’m sure there won’t be any problems”

The man agrees, and St. Peter leads him through a back door beside the pearly gates, into a vast cafeteria, thronged with a host of winged angels, all standing tranquilly in lines. Just as he and St. Peter reach the end of a line, an angelic food server opens another serving line, and the mans instinctively makes for it. St Peter grabs his elbow, saying

“Oh no! We don’t do that in heaven”

And, with precise and harmonious choreography, the angels reshuffle their lines so that the foremost take the fore in the new line.

“Everything’s perfect here – no injustice, not even as small as line cutting. Have patience – our turn will come soon enough”

Surely enough, the lines move quickly, and the man and St. Peter soon near the counter, when suddenly a great, radiant figure of unfathomable visage burst into the cafeteria, and, laying about him with great berobed arms, casts two lines of angels aside to reach the counter, seizes a tray, has it filled, and storms out.

“What the hell!” says the man “Who … what was that all about?”

“Oh,” says St. Peter, “that was just God, but sometimes He get confused and believe’s He’s an MD.”

[theblackalchemist]

Three men go to heaven

soon they had to confront St. Peter

The lord says

"i Will give each of you a ride to move in heaven depending on your sincerity to your wife. first man step up"

The man steps up and is asked

"Have you been faithful to your wife?"

"No, i have cheated her 100 times"

"then you get a truck"

Sure enough that man was given a very slow truck

"Second man step up, Have you been faithful to your wife?"

"No, my lord i have cheated her only once"

"then you get a volkswagen"

Sure enough the second man got a volkswagen

"Third man step up, Have you been faithful to your wife?"

"Yes my lord, i brought her flowers home everyday"

"Wonderful! you get a jaguar!"

"neat"

sure enough that man got a black jaguar and went inside heaven happily.

Next day the first and second men see the third man very gloomy.

they asked the reason for the same. A reply came

"i saw my wife on roller-skates!"

 

TBA

[theblackalchemist]

Well this involves little bit of theology,............................ I THINK! :)

 

Once, a preacher was lecturing a group of people. he concluded saying

" Tomorrow's, lecture will be on liars, So i want all of you to read the seveenth chapter of Mark and come"

The next day the preacher asked

"Who has read the seventeenth chapter of mark, raise your hands"

Sure enough all of the hands went up

"It is you people i want to talk to, There is no seventeenth chapter of mark !"

 

TBA

[Pyrotex]

A Unitarian dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him, wearing slacks and a golfing shirt, and welcomes him to Hell by showing him around. The Unitarian asks how come Satan is dressed so nicely. "Oh, this isn't all that nice. You should see the silk robes they get to wear in heaven."

The Unitarian is impressed by the mesquite trees and the wooden benches, but Satan says, "Oh, this is nothing. You should see the orchardsin heaven, and the benches there are padded."

The Unitarian is impressed by the cafeteria, but Satan says, "Oh, this is really second rate. It is hell, after all. In Heaven, everyone eats at five-star restaurants."

The Unitarian is impressed by a pond where several folks are swimming, but Satan says, "Oh, this is nothing, really. In heaven, everyone swims in olympic size pools and hot tubs."

The Unitarian hears screaming and wanders over to a pit in the ground. The bottom is filled with rocks and flames and boiling lava. Thousands of people are burning in agony among the flames. He casts a questioning look at Satan.

Satan says, "Oh, that's for the Baptists so they won't be disappointed."