Theologic Humor; The Gravest Of Matters

[Lancaster]

A Unitarian dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him, wearing slacks and a golfing shirt, and welcomes him to Hell by showing him around. The Unitarian asks how come Satan is dressed so nicely. "Oh, this isn't all that nice. You should see the silk robes they get to wear in heaven."

The Unitarian is impressed by the mesquite trees and the wooden benches, but Satan says, "Oh, this is nothing. You should see the orchardsin heaven, and the benches there are padded."

The Unitarian is impressed by the cafeteria, but Satan says, "Oh, this is really second rate. It is hell, after all. In Heaven, everyone eats at five-star restaurants."

The Unitarian is impressed by a pond where several folks are swimming, but Satan says, "Oh, this is nothing, really. In heaven, everyone swims in olympic size pools and hot tubs."

The Unitarian hears screaming and wanders over to a pit in the ground. The bottom is filled with rocks and flames and boiling lava. Thousands of people are burning in agony among the flames. He casts a questioning look at Satan.

Satan says, "Oh, that's for the Baptists so they won't be disappointed."

 

 

Oh my goodness, Pyrotex, that just made my day.

[Pyrotex]

There was this preacher who really loved his work, especially writing new sermons. His wife was his very best critic, and she was a lot of help in developing new sermons. One day he says to her,

 

"I have an idea for a new sermon. I'm gonna draw a parallel between living the Christian life and riding on water skis. You know, it's difficult at first, and you keep falling off. But if you keep trying, you eventually get the hang of it, and it becomes second nature. What do you think?"

 

"Sweetheart, that's a good idea! I like it!"

 

So, he writes the first draft and reads it to his wife. She is very encouraging and helps him straighten out a few kinks. All goes well.

 

Saturday, his wife is down with flu. The preacher works and works on his new sermon, but without her aid, he just can't pull it all together. Sunday morning, he leaves his sick wife at home and goes to the church office, where he goes through his file cabinet and pulls out a sermon he hasn't used in years. It's about the many temptations of the lust of the flesh: sex. He decides to give it again.

 

Sunday evening, the preacher's wife is feeling better and insists on going to evening service. At the end of service, she stands by the front door, greeting folks. One elderly lady said,

 

"That was a wonderful sermon your husband gave this morning! I loved the way he delivered it! He obviously is an authority on the subject and knows exactly what he's talking about!"

 

The preacher's wife laughed and said, "Oh, I don't know about that. Actually, he's only tried it twice, and fell off both times."

[Monomer]

Once there was this middle-aged priest who was addicted to golf. He played every day, sometimes 36 holes a day. He couldn't seem to get enough. One Sunday morning, he decided that he didn't want to do the 10 a.m. Mass, so he told his colleague, a younger priest, that he wasn't feeling well. He asked the young priest to cover for him at Mass. The younger priest agreed. So, the old golfer placed a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door to his room, threw his clubs in his car, and took off for a course a few miles away. Meanwhile, the younger priest explained to the parish that the older priest is in the rectory ill and could not celebrate Mass with them; he asked that the congregation pray for the return of the older priest's health.

Up in Heaven, St. Peter and Jesus were watching all of this. St. Peter turned to Jesus and asked, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" Jesus responded, "No...I'll take care of it."

 

The middle-aged priest arrived at the golf course, teed up on the first hole and wham, to his amazement hit a HOLE-IN-ONE. He proceeded to the second tee, and again another HOLE-IN-ONE. The priest was ecstatic. He couldn't believe his great fortune. He continued to play; every hole was a HOLE-IN-ONE. Eighteen holes later his score was an amazing 18.

 

Finally St. Peter couldn't take any more. He said to Jesus, "I thought you were going to punish this guy, instead, he plays the round of his life... What kind of punishment is that???"

 

Jesus looked at St. Peter and says "Who's he going to tell?"

[Pyrotex]

This guy is playing golf and struggling with his game. He tees off on the 4th hole and the ball screams into a dense forest. When he enters the forest, he hears a tiny voice, "help me, help me...". He follows the voice and finds a leprechaun, no more than four inches high, lying on the ground with the man's golf ball on his back.

 

The man picks up the golf ball.

 

The leprechaun groans with relief and gets shakily to his feet. "Ya saved me life, you did! As thanks, I'll grant any three wishes!"

 

The man modestly refused, saying that after all, it was his ball that had crushed the leprechaun.

 

"No! I won't hear of it! I promised ya three wishes and three wishes you'll get! How's your golf game?"

 

The man said, "Not so hot, really. I shoot 80 on a good day."

 

"Well, that's the end of that! I'm doubling the quality of your golf game!" And the leprechaun snapped his fingers.

 

"How's your wardrobe?"

 

The man said, "Well, what you see is basically what I got."

 

"Well, that's the end of that! I'm tripling the quality of your wardrobe!" And the leprechaun snapped his fingers.

 

"How's your sex life?"

 

The man said, "I don't have a sex life."

 

"Well, that's the end of that! I'm quadrupling the quality of your sex life!" And the leprechaun snapped his fingers, and disappeared in puff of green smoke.

 

One year later to the very day, the same guy was at the same course, the same 4th hole, and hit a screamer into the same forest. When he found his ball among the trees, the leprechaun was sitting on it."

 

"There ye are! I wanted to check up on ya! So! How's your golf game now?"

 

The man said, "I shoot around 50 now. In fact, I've been playing in national invitationals for eight months now. I'm a household name."

 

"Excellent! How's your wardrobe?"

 

The man said, "Since I'm on TV so much, several clothing companies have supplied my entire wardrobe. I've never dressed better in my life."

 

"Excellent! How's your sex life?"

 

"Not bad at all. I've been laid four times this year."

 

The leprechaun dropped his tiny clay smoking pipe. "WHAT!!!! Only four times????"

 

The man responded, "Hey, I'm not complaining! Actually, that's pretty good for a small town priest."

[ughaibu]

This one is probably best avoided by the squeamish: Bits & Pieces: Jesus image found in dog's butt

[Boerseun]

This one is probably best avoided by the squeamish: Bits & Pieces: Jesus image found in dog's butt

Ughaibu, that is irreverent, disgusting, disrespective and crude. That's probably why I love it and laughed my *** off!

 

After all, God is the Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. You just didn't know which end, right?

 

:lol:B):):D:hihi::lol::hyper::):D

[Pyrotex]

Well, fellas, that reminds me very little of the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic who stayed up all night long worrying about whether or not there was a dog.

[Cedars]

Another Pope pic.

[Cedars]

Poker dogs and Teresa

[InfiniteNow]

[Pyrotex]

Well. --

 

Darn and drat. Did someone ask you to remove the stained glass window? Sticky wicket, dude. If you have to sit in Time Out, then I'll sit with you. So, there!!!!!